For the past few days, I feel like the process of having our
minds be renewed, as well as the rest of us, is being heavily impressed upon
me. At church on Sunday, the preacher discussed the importance of using our
intellects to dissect and address the doubts that faith can so often bring to
the surface. I had a conversation just yesterday with someone who pointed out
that so many of our insecurities rest in the fact that our minds and thoughts
are not being continuously brought under the lordship of Christ. And now, this
idea was brought to my attention when I thought about how one’s imagination
(especially for ladies) affects dating and the path to marriage.
Arguably, the fact that there can be so much confusion when
it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship, especially within Christian
circles, does little to help the situation. Again, because of various books and
teachings promoted recently in the Christian community, the process of moving
from friend to date is fuzzy and can almost seem intrusive. Take, for example,
the coffee date, using two made up examples.
Sheila is a bright, bubbly woman who has a lot of friends
within her church and really does seek to honor the Lord in everything she
does. Mike is also a strong believer, but he’s quieter and a bit more
reflective than Sheila. Sheila and Mike are friends – nothing more. Mike thinks
Sheila’s cute, but he doesn’t really see the need to make a move and ruin a
good thing. Besides, he’s not quite sure that he’s ”ready” for a relationship.
Sheila, on the other hand, thinks Mike’s great and wonders why he just can’t
see how great they’d be together! So eventually, they have a wee chat after
church one day, and Sheila brings up the book they are reading together, along
with a few other friends. She suggests they grab a coffee to discuss it, so
Mike agrees. They leave and plan for Saturday, when they go to a local coffee
shop, drink coffee latte(at least, Sheila does) and use the guise of their
common reading to dig a little deeper into the other person’s thoughts. Mike
decides that he should pay for Sheila’s drink, since his mother used to tell
him that that’s what good guys do. So Sheila takes the drink and spends the
rest of the “date” floating because she’s convinced this is the beginning of a
wonderful relationship. And while unassuming Mike is talking about his opinions
on how to fight against idolatry, Sheila is imagining their future life
together in their hometown, Malindi with two kids. Once their time is over,
Mike thinks that it was a great experience – he got to talk to Sheila in a more
one-on-one setting, and she didn’t have any expectations at all! He just knows
that she understands that it’s just a friends thing, because it’s safer that
way. Meanwhile, Sheila gets home and checks her phone every hour just to see if
Mike has left a little cutesy text message for her. He never does, and Sheila
gets angry. And then hurt. And Mike doesn’t understand why she doesn’t seem as
happy to see him when they see each other at church the next day.
Clearly, this is an example of miscommunication in addition
to the main issue at hand. However, there’s something deeper going on. Sheila’s
expectations are so high for the coffee date that she ascribes her own (at that
time, unrealistic) desires for the situation onto Mike, who is oblivious to
them and has his own understanding of what’s going on. This speaks a lot to the
problem of “friend-lationships” that are going on in the church in full force
these days, but that’s for another time. Essentially, there are two ways that
the “coffee date” can be turned into a vehicle for mass confusion and dashed
expectations.
The first is to assume that the coffee date means more than
what it is. But that is dangerous thinking, and will and often does lead to
bitterness and resentment towards the unsuspecting other person. Additionally,
some people might get nervous by the prospect if they’re not sure if they’re
interested in the other person - does their date think that they’re going to
automatically want to be in a relationship?! No, I don’t think that should be
the case. There should be freedom and openness with these situations; a
commitment does not come from just one coffee date, and it is unhealthy to put
such high expectations on just one interaction.
The second confusion-enhancing aspect of the “coffee date”
is to treat coffee dates as if they are less than what they are. Guys, this
probably pertains most to you. If you ask a woman on a date, even if it’s
coffee, it’s best to be honest and upfront with your intentions.
