“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them
broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown
There was a time when I was quite black-and-white with relationships. I
either trusted you implicitly, assuming you’d never intentionally hurt me, or
believed you wanted to cause me pain and questioned everything you did.
Once you moved yourself into the latter category, there was no going
back.
Eventually I realized I was limiting my relationships by not recognizing
the grey area, where people are human, they make mistakes, and they need
forgiveness and understanding.
From there I swung the pendulum the other way—I trusted everyone. I
refused to consider that someone’s actions might reflect that they didn’t truly
care. And I stayed in a lot of unhealthy friendships while making excuses for
people.
I wanted them to care. I wanted to believe they valued me—that it only
meant I was interpreting incorrectly if their actions seemed to suggest
otherwise.
But this is where it gets confusing. On the one hand, we often create a
lot of meaning in our heads that isn’t really there. We may feel convinced
someone intended to be rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless when really that
wasn’t the case.
On the other hand, sometimes actions speak louder than words, and our
interpretations may be accurate.
Sometimes someone is knowingly hurtful or neglectful. We need to
be able to recognize that or we’ll end up feeling disempowered, disrespected,
and stuck.
So how do you know when to stay and when to walk away? How do you know
when you’re not reading into things too much, or being too paranoid, or
making mountains out of molehills, but rather simply seeing things for what
they are?
After placing myself in this situation more times than I’d like to
count, I developed a little question guide that’s helped me recognize when
enough is enough.
1. Do their actions frequently contradict their
words?
Anyone can contradict themselves once or twice. We’re only human, and
sometimes we make mistakes. It’s consistent behavior that conveys how someone
really feels.
I guess you have met people who regularly make no effort. But we want to
believe they are good guys going through a hard time, and that we could both be
happy if we were there for them.
There are little signs in the
months leading up to this—unreturned calls, broken dates, many conversations
where he/she wasn’t really listening.
Words can be deceiving, because sometimes when we lie to others it’s
because we’re also lying to ourselves. Trust actions. That’s where the truth
is.
2. Do you frequently make excuses for them, to
yourself or others?
If you often find yourself in a position where you need to defend the
other person, odds are there’s a consistently unacceptable behavior you’re
trying to justify.
An old friend of mine once dated someone who’d get mean and nasty,
mostly to her, but also to her friends. She’d explain how he’d had a difficult
childhood, and that she wouldn’t walk out on him like everyone else had.
Admirable though that might have sounded, she communicated through her
actions that it was okay for him to treat her badly—because of all he’d been
through.
You might convince yourself that this person is just misunderstood, and
that no one else wants to give them the compassion and support you’re willing
to offer.
It’s great to be compassionate, but we need to be compassionate with
ourselves first—and that means acknowledging what’s just not okay.
3. Does this person turn things around on you, as
if their actions are your fault?
It can be difficult to recognize those consistently unacceptable actions
if you convince yourself you’re somehow responsible for them.
You might tell yourself that they regularly ignore your needs because
you’re too needy. Or they belittle you because you’ve made mistakes in the
past.
In other words, you might justify their mistreatment because they try to
make you feel like you’re the “wrong one” or the “crazy one.”When someone truly cares, they don’t use your mistakes or imperfections
to justify neglect or emotional blackmail.
I realized that people who truly respected me
would encourage me to grow; but they wouldn’t let my weaknesses become an
excuse to intimidate or disparage me.
No matter what you’ve done or how you sometimes struggle, you deserve to
be in healthy relationships with people who treat you well.
–
You may have far greater self-esteem, but you may
still find yourself feeling confused and conflicted in relationships. It can be
tough to see things for what they are when we’re emotionally involved and
invested.
When in doubt, step back and ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend
if s/he were in my shoes?”
Odds are, you’d know the truth, and the wisest thing to do.
The question
now becomes: Can you treat yourself kindly and walk away from what you know
isn’t right?
